cup a joe

I think I'm starting to spiral. I had to deal with something that I was dreading. Our landlord called looking for the rent. I know that this is God's church, I know that it is his bills, I know that it is his electric and his utilities....but this is starting to get tiring. November's offering was pathetic. December was better, but it did not make up for November. Sunday was good (almost 65% of what we collected the entire month of November), but we are still playing catch up. I know that these are God's bills, not mine, that it is his responsibility, not mine, but I still wonder if there is something that I did wrong that is causing us to have these issues. Now I'm thinking too much; now I'm starting to get self critical (doesn't help that today we get a Christmas letter from a family who left the church in November telling us how much they love their new church, how they are all plugged in and there kids are doing great in the new youth group, etc). It seems like the enemy has me figured out and is just pushing all the right buttons to get to me. God Help! There have been so many things that I have been praying for, for the church, for our friends, for my family. It just seems like none of it is happening right now. Like everything is so close but at the last minute the rug gets pulled out, or we are a day late, or a dollar short, or something. Everything is just right out of grasp. It is getting to me. I think I'm starting to spiral. I need to stop that. I need something good to happen.

I guess I'm just tired.